Memories and the frustrations of modern living

Today this photograph is all the imagery I have for you. A photograph taken in my garden. My favourite thing in this is not the shiny ball, not even the lavender. It is the rusty old ball with that  beautiful patina of age and imperfection. Just at the wrong time - when I have been so busy making things and getting ready to list things in my etsy shop my camera has decided to drive me to distraction by breaking. Now this should not be enough to frustrate me to the point that it has - but after only just getting my laptop replaced after 2 months (apparently my old one was written off as unrepairable soon after it was taken into the shop - they just neglected to inform me so I waited and waited and phoned and phoned.......blah, blah, blah) and now my camera needs to go into repair - they tell me it will be 2 weeks although I don't have much confidence in that I am afraid. I am feeling sad that such a relatively small thing should anger me so much! But in reality I am feeling sad that I feel I am so dependant on technology and also on others to realise how important my camera is to me.

When going to the store yesterday I caught a scent of something on the breeze. It was the scent of autum and something else that I could not identify but as if stunned by something physical I all of a sudden I found myself thinking of a moment in my childhood. Playing in my grandparents garden with the smell of the paint my grandfather used for the garage, the smell of the greenhouse, the beauty of the carpet of sweet peas travelling up the trellis infront of the vegetable patch. And it was so painful and sweet all at the same time this memory. I sat in my car fighting back the tears, thinking of my granny who died when I was almost 11.

They lived in Scotland and we were in London and I only got to see them but a few times a year. As the oldest child I would get to spend time each summer with them on my own I think. Some of the memories are so clear, others are but a mist. Picking those sweet peas for vases all around the house: playing endless games of cards with my granny; going to the local shop for 'the messages' (a scottish saying for 'the shopping') but as I was brought up in England I didn't know what that meant and thought my gran was trading secrets with all the people she met and chatted to along the way! Fish every wednesday from the fish van; the caterpillar which lived on the garage wall and which I would feed green leaves every day hoping that I would see it transform into a butterfly; the crazy carpet in the hallway; the prayer we used to say each evening when she was tucking me in to bed: the family all around at christmas, all her grandchildren in one house together; my fathers paintings dotted around the house along with the ships my great grandfather made; the daily chatter with my granny whom I adored but never had enough time with. Yesterday I would have given anything to have had just one more day with her, in that house which I loved so much. Why do I remember more about the house than I do about the conversations we would have had? I think even then I wanted to be an artist and I hope my granny knew that. I wish we had been able to have more time together, more years of visiting, chatting and laughing. No silly tantrums over broken camera's when really there are so many more important things. I hope she would have been proud of me. I hope she knows that I still think of her every day.

Comments

[stilettoheights]

this is beautiful, it really is amazing what memory can do to us, I find it happening to me, something so very small just a moment of a random day so many years ago....and then I am almost in tears.

our funny funny minds.

[Craftymoose]

Beautiful post Gillian. You mastery of words made me feel as if I were there. It made me nostalgic for my own childhood. Isn't it wonderful how something as fleeting as a scent on the wind can bring us memories of good, happy times? And, yes, your Granny is definitely proud of you and the woman you have become.

[Donna O.]

I was excpecting to see a ball gown but this post was so much better. Oh, that happy/sad achy heart thing when you think of the ones you loved SO MUCH and they are gone. You described it beautifully, Shmoo. I wouldn't trade the ache but sometimes it's hard to contain the tears that usually go hand in hand.I'm sure your Granny is extremely proud of you. Perhaps she had a hand in your camera challenge. Maybe she was watching you through her lens and wanted to reach out and touch you again. And now we all can "picture" her.
XO-D.

[Leslie M]

Wonderful post Gillian. I too, came here looking for a gown, and am going away with fond memories of my own dear grandmother. I am sure your is very proud of you.

[Karen Beth]

You write so beautifully.

Sometimes I get so worried that I will forget things, forget things from my childhood, forget things about my wonderful Mother after she is gone. I worry about forgetting.

I also worry about the time I spend with technology and the fact that MY dying camera is causing me such concern. I hate the thought of getting a new one almost as much as I hate the thought of needing one so badly.

Your post really hit home today. Thank you for sharing.

xo,

Karen Beth :)

[oldflowers4me]

oh my- i loved what your wrote about your granmother- when i was 11 years old i went and lived with my nanna-yes the look and smells of things- yes how beautiful- i send you 3 wishs be careful with them, la la la love jo anderson...

[Lou]

beautiful, touching words:)

and yes, the autumn is here at last, so evocative as always!

xxx

[Heidi]

Heya!

I so know what you mean, and I feel that nostalgia often, just takes a little trigger sometimes and before you know it - it's as if you are living those moments again. Autumn is my favourite season, I love the chill in the air - it makes me feel alive, and the moon just seems brighter somehow. The impending darkness hides things we're used to, making everything a little more mysterious. One thing I don't like are the harvest spiders but hey ho!

I came here to tag you! But it doesn't feel right now that I have been reading your blog. Well, if you get bored, the rules are on my blog page :)

I'll be visiting again soon :)

[Cathy]

I understand and can relate to your frustrations re technology. I 'lost' my camera for two weeks, but in my case it was down to me to remember where it was.... not easy with so much going on in life. These things remind us to value what we have, I guess. I've put a link to here from my blog btw.

Cathy